An Unwelcome Surprise
by catlin717
Summary: Many people dream of life as a wizard in the famous universe, but I've never been one of them. Being stuck in the body of Draco Malfoy wasn't how I imagined my afterlife. Self-insert. Draco Malfoy.


The train moved, and I sighed at the sight of dozens of wizards and witches and their kids not old enough to go to Hogwarts. Hogwarts. I still couldn't believe that I was going there, and I wouldn't even be very displeased with the fact if I hadn't been the bloody Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. I had never really dreamed of living in this universe, but it was still better than death. A life with magic could be long and comfortable, but I had absolutely no wish to fight in the freaking war on either side. Reborn to die in a stupid war.

Muggleborns, pure-bloods, Potter and Voldemort… I didn't care for either one. They were just story characters… or, better said, had been story characters. I didn't suddenly develop some feelings for them just because they were real now. No, if I could, I'd have rather left Great Britain, letting these idiots kill each other for no reason. I couldn't. The man I had to call 'father' would find me anywhere until I turn seventeen. There was some charm on me, Draco was sure of it. Besides, there were some international laws about minors. I would have to check it, but I didn't have much hope. By the time I was of age, it would be too late to leave.

The Dark Lord would be back, and I would be branded or, more likely, killed, because I knew too much. There were so many ways to get killed that it was depressing. Even if everything would go the way it had gone in the books, Bellatrix would teach me Occlumency and that would be my end. I wasn't Draco, I knew about horcruxes. There was a chance I could somehow convince Bellatrix that I was useful by telling her everything I knew, but I was sure that she would still kill me afterwards, because the knowledge was too dangerous. I couldn't find a way to survive on the Dark Lord's side. My knowledge was my death sentence. The other side wasn't much better. It was the fourth year, Draco already had the reputation of a pure-blooded asshole, he made enemies of everyone who had a chance to protect me.

There weren't many who could ensure my survival. The Order was basically the only obvious choice, but who exactly would help me? I couldn't really contact anyone but students and Dumbledore. Knowing that the latter would sacrifice Harry Potter to defeat the Voldemort, I was very hesitant to trust him. The old man wasn't bad, he was pragmatic. I was too. He would probably sacrifice me if necessary. And students… The only option was to befriend Harry Potter or someone very close to him to have a chance of some protection. I doubted things would work with Potter himself, at the moment he hated me too much to build up any trust. Although I was sure that I could make Luna trust me, she wasn't even friends with Potter her friendship with me would likely cost her a chance to befriend him. Neville? Nah. There was absolutely no way to make Weasleys trust me, the hell would freeze earlier. Which left me with a single option: Hermione Granger.

She wouldn't trust me either, because Draco Malfoy was the biggest bullying asshole I knew. However, she still was an insecure girl and had a lot of compassion for endangered beings like house-elves, and I was an endangered thing. I was quite sure that she wouldn't just ignore my plea for help. It would take a lot to convince her, but I believed that it was possible. I had to get as close to her as possible and the best way to achieve that was to make her my girlfriend or something similar. It was not impossible and therefore my best chance to survive. And if things wouldn't work between me and Hermione, I could always go to Dumbledore.

"You're broody today," said Parkinson.

I looked up at her, then at other students who were sitting in the compartment. Crabbe and Goyle were bigoted fools with little to none magic skills. Although somehow loyal to me, they wouldn't follow me to the other side. They were neither useful nor a problem. Nott was intelligent but believed in the pure-blood nonsense. I could probably convince him that my potential relationship with Granger was an elaborate prank, but how long would it take for him to realize that I was lying to him? He was a loner though and wouldn't look twice at my suspicious activities if I keep them secret. Zabini wasn't even a friend and didn't pay attention to anything but himself. The only problem I had was Parkinson. Pansy Parkinson was clingy. She was neither cute nor ugly and neither smart nor dumb. Although not quite Draco's girlfriend, she was close to being one, and because she was a vindictive bigoted bitch, I would need to tread very carefully around her. The other Slytherins were of no bother.

There was one thing that bothered me about Hermione. Occlumency. I would have to learn it one way or another, otherwise I would risk someone reading my mind at the wrong moment. And while I could probably earn Hermione's trust, I'd need to see if I could trust her with my secret. Regardless of my decision about Hermione, there was only one person I thought I could trust. At least based on the knowledge from the books and considering everything else was accurate, I could assume that the books were accurate. It was Luna Lovegood. She was brave, smart and brutally honest. Most importantly, Draco hadn't had a chance to alienate her yet.

"I don't feel like talking," I said.

"Well, I'll go to look for Daphne," she said and left the compartment. "See you later."

I shrugged and took the Potions book. Potions weren't what I had expected them to be. They weren't about following instructions. Unless said instructions were perfect, of course, which was never the case. It was mostly about feelings. Draco had been good at Potions, he had the feel for them. He could tell that stirring the potion fifth time clockwise would be too much or he felt that one could add another slug into the potions to make it more effective. I certainly hoped I'd do equally good.

I hated trains. There was little to do while time moved like a slug. No matter how much I liked Potions, after a few hours I got tired of reading the textbook and talking to my 'friends' wasn't appealing. It was obvious why Draco had always seemed to have time to bother Harry Potter and his friends on the way to Hogwarts. He had been bored. I stood up and went for a walk. Crabbe and Goyle followed me silently. Wonderful.

Students rarely noticed me as I was passing their compartments and I had no intention to talk to anyone. Potter, especially. There was no point to continue the feud between Draco and Potter, it was stupid in first place. Draco had been a braggart and liked to be the center of attention. Once Potter rejected his friendship, which was entirely Draco's fault, things spiralled out of control.

However, once I saw Hermione, I decided to stop for a moment. Potter and Weasley were in the middle of some heated debate about quidditch, while Hermione was reading the book. Although I knew how she looked from Draco's memories, it was still different to see everyone with my own eyes. She was no Emma Watson, but Hermione wasn't any less cute either, although it was hard to notice behind the book and barely-kempt hair of her.

"Hello, Granger," I said.

She looked at me.

"Malfoy. What do you want?"

Damn it, there was so much venom in her voice. It would be very difficult to convince her that I was good. I didn't really know how to respond, especially in presence of her two friends and my friends. The last thing I wanted was to make them suspicious over nothing.

"Just wanted to see how much you had changed over the summer," I said.

"What the bloody hell?!"

I didn't respond to Weasley, already moving away, trying to not laugh.

"…gone completely bonkers!"

Now, I had another person in mind. Luna. Although Draco hadn't ever noticed her, I easily recognized her. She was sitting alone in a compartment, two carriages further, wearing weird glasses and reading The Quibbler. Thankfully not upside down. She was blond and had her wand behind her ear. She looked more than a little weird. But not quite as weird as some people I met in my previous life.

"Hi," I said. "Do you mind if I join you?"

She seemed to be a little surprised but nodded. I waved my hand at Crabbe and Goyle.

"You may go back," I told them. "Don't have to stay with me here, you know?"

Fortunately, they either got it or simply didn't want to sit with Luna of all people. As they disappeared, I took a seat opposite her.

"I'm Draco Malfoy."

"I know," she said, without looking at me.

"And you're Luna Lovegood."

"Yes."

"And… you don't want to talk to me," I said with a sigh.

"No," answered Luna coolly.

"Do you mind telling why?"

"You treat a lot of people badly and I don't like that."

Well, I didn't expect her to be eager to talk to an infamous school bully.

"I did and I don't really have any excuse. I was stupid, and if you want I'll promise you that I won't hurt people for no reason anymore."

"That's nice," she said.

Luna was making it difficult, but I wasn't about to give up. She was basically the only person in Hogwarts I somehow know that I could trust. Someone, who wouldn't try to hex me just because I had the body of Malfoy. Someone who wouldn't hide a knife behind a smile. Potter and Weasley weren't options. Hermione would probably tell Potter and Weasley and they would tell someone else. Dumbledore would probably use me. Draco's old friend were asshats. Snape? Nope. Maybe I was an idiot, trusting a weird thirteen-years-old girl, but I didn't know anyone more trustworthy than her. I needed a partner, because I had to learn Occlumency.

"You don't believe me," I said.

"You seem to be sincere, but you chose the words carefully. A dislike may be a reason good enough for you to hurt somebody."

"Forgot you're in Ravenclaw."

"Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure," noted Luna with a hint of amusement in her voice.

"It wasn't my intention to mislead you, Luna, but I didn't want to lie either. Let me rephrase, I won't hurt people for my amusement or because I dislike them. Better?"

"No, but it'll do," she said, placing The Quibbler down on her legs and starred at me.

Finally. It was a start.

"Your father is the editor, right?" I asked, pointing at the tabloid.

"Yes. Do you read it?"

"'fraid not, didn't have a chance yet, but I'll read every issue from now on if it's that what it takes to be your friend."

"You're trying to bribe me," she told me with a smile.

"Must be in my blood or something," I said, causing her to laugh. "I had good intentions though."

"A bribe is still a bribe," she noted as she calmed down. "But no, you don't have to read every issue. Only if you like The Quibbler."

"I'll read at least one to see if I like it."

"And I'll be glad if you do," she said. "Do you like Potions?"

"What?"

"You have the book," she explained and pointed with her hand.

"Oh, I forgot about it," I said, looking at the Potions book I still held. "Potions is my favorite class. It's useful and doesn't need much wand waving. I'm eager to learn how much more I can do with Potions. What about you?"

"I look forward to finally having the Care of Magical Creatures and Ancient Runes, but I liked the Defense Against the Dark Arts last year too."

"Professor Lupin was good," I agreed. "What did he teach your year?"

"He taught a lot of spells, but I liked the lesson when he showed us a ghoul the most. It was very funny."

"We had to face a boggart. I wouldn't call it funny, but it was an interesting experience."

"I just hope we'll get a decent teacher this year too, because Professor Lockhart was a joke."

"The one before him wasn't any better, by the way."

"There was an article in The Quibbler about him. He died, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he was possessed by an evil spirit."

"Really? How did that happen and how do you know that?"

Nobody knew what had happened to Quirinus Quirrell. Draco wasn't even sure if anyone at the Ministry knew something about his demise. Come to think about it, students didn't know anything about Potter's adventures. They knew that he had done something and had earned points, but what exactly? There were some rumours, but most of them were wrong. It was extremely dumb on Dumbledore's part. Most Slytherins thought that Harry Potter had been getting away with everything, while earning countless points at the same time just because he was the Boy Who Lived. I was sure that it wasn't only the case with Slytherins.

"It wouldn't be right to talk about it here. Don't want same random people overhear us."

"You're a tease."

Speaking of random people, there were two possible problems with my plan. Potter using his Invisibility cloak and Skeeter using her animagus transformation. I didn't want either of them to stick their nose into my business. Too much was at risk.

"I'll tell you later. There is a place or two at Hogwarts."

"I don't trust you enough to visit these places yet."

"That hurts, but I deserve it."

Luna smiled.

"You do."

"OK, let me check something," I said.

I stood up and stepped out of the compartment. Nobody seemed to be interested in listening in on our conversation. Students in the neighboring compartments were talking loudly about their summer and some other irrelevant things. Still, it didn't mean that there wasn't someone under an invisibility cloak. I stepped back into the compartment and closed the door, then started waving my hands, checking if there was someone invisible in the compartment.

"What are you doing?" asked Luna; she was confused by my actions.

"Checking if there's something invisible here."

"I'll help," she said eagerly and started waving her hands too. "You know, if you're looking for wrackspurts, you're doing it wrong."

"No, I'm looking for a different creature. It's normally big, invisible and way too curious for its own good, but some of them, especially the evil ones, can transform into beetles or rats too. Did you see one in the compartment?"

"I didn't see a rat, but beetles are very easy to miss," she said as she starred intently at the ceiling.

"That's the point of turning into one! They can be everywhere! Even in your hair, learning all your secrets. The Quibbler should probably write an article about these evil creatures who transform into beetles and rats to do their nefarious business. People should be aware of the danger."

"Oh, that's interesting!" Luna exclaimed; she was still searching for said creatures. "Can you tell me more about them? How are they called? What do they do once they learn your secrets?"

"Well… They're different creatures, yet similar. Once they know your secret, they use it against you and vigilance is the only way to defend against them. Let's call them Skeetering Beetlerats."

As far as I could tell there wasn't anything suspicious in the compartment.

"I think we're safe."

"I hoped we'd find something," said Luna.

"And I'm relieved we didn't," I said and pointed my wand at the compartment's door. "Muffliato!"

That was the first spell I tried after I had found myself in Malfoy's body. Although I had access to his memories, I was still quite nervous about using magic myself. Would my wand even work for me? I wasn't sure if the spell had worked. I felt it doing something but wasn't sure if the result was right. I stepped closer to the door to check and heard the buzzing sound. Well, I can do magic. What a relief… I'd be happy if my last name hadn't been Malfoy. Although I'd be even more pissed if it had been Potter!

"What's the spell?" asked Luna; she seemed to be genuinely curious.

"It creates some noises, which would keep the conversation private. You never know who or what might be hiding outside. It's simple. Just point your wand in the direction where you want to create noises and say 'muffliato'."

"You're a little bit paranoid."

"I don't want to fall a victim to a Skeetering Beetlerat or worse," I said with a smile. "Do you want to hear more about the professor?"

"Of course!"

"Now, it's a secret, so don't tell anyone. The Headmaster hid the Philosopher's stone in the school on the third floor behind the trapdoor guarded by a giant three-headed dog."

"That sound like an adventure. Did you see the dog?"

"No, but I heard about it. Professor Hagrid called it Fluffy I think."

Luna broke into laughter; I couldn't help and joined her.

"Anyway, the shadow of You Know Who possessed Professor Quirrell and tried to steal the stone to use it for his resurrection. He failed. Nobody knows what happened, but Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley earned fifty points each at the same time as the professor died."

"They must have protected the stone!" said Luna.

"Probably."

"But if it's a secret, how do you know?"

"Ah, that's a story for another time," I said, "but I can tell you about the Chamber of Secrets."

Her eyes widened. "You know about it?"

"I do, but it's a secret too. You Know Who possessed a girl from your year."

I expected Luna to ask about the girl, but she was simply staring at me, waiting for me to continue.

"Although he was feeding upon her soul to revive himself, she was rescued just in time. There was an ancient basilisk living in the chamber for centuries and You Know Who used it to attack students."

"Poor creature. It must have been very hungry."

Talk about priorities…

"Well, I'm glad that it's not there anymore," I said.

"It isn't?" asked Lund; she sounded surprised and a little bit sad.

"Remember how Harry Potter and Ron Weasley got a few hundred points?"

Lund nodded.

"I thought it was a bit unfair."

"Well, Potter fought the fifty-foot basilisk and killed it with a sword. That ought to be awarded with points."

"He's a great wizard if he's able to fight a basilisk."

I cringed. "Only if you equal bravery and stupidity with greatness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that because of envy or rivalry, it's just he's objectively not skilled enough to fight a basilisk. Most wizards aren't. It's difficult to fight something you can't even look at. Potter is very lucky to be alive."

"For someone who seems to hate Harry Potter, you know a lot about him," Luna said.

"I don't hate him. Our enmity is a mistake."

I sighed. I wanted to stay with Luna, but I didn't want to endanger both of us. People might get curious and that could make thing difficult in the future.

"My _friends_ might begin to wonder, what I'm doing. I think it's the time to go for me."

"It was nice to talk to you, Draco," she said and smiled.

"Same here," I said and pointed my wand at the door. " _Finite Incantatem._ "

I stood up, opened the door and looked out of the compartment. Nothing changed. It didn't seem as if somebody had tried to listen in on our conversation.

"See you later, Luna."

She nodded.


End file.
